What a ride!

WOW, guys…

A few days ago I had the worst depression episode of my entire life when my partner and I decided to have a conversation regarding the potential of opening up our relationship a bit more because maybe.. things just weren’t happing at home?? These types of relationships are common in our world and I’ve just found that being in a committed relationship for the past five years has kinda worn thin on me and really made me question why I’m even with him if I’m so unhappy..?
Friday night was the end of the last five years of my life with my partner. I wish he understood me more. I feel like in order to fully be free inside a relationship your partner must understand you 150% and vice versa. It’s a two-way road and requires equal emotional input. I couldn’t give it to him, and he couldn’t give it to me either… Guess what? That’s totally OK.

No relationship is perfect and mine certainly wasn’t.
I am thankful for the last five years of our lives together. I have learned so much about my life and what I want to achieve in this life.

We’re working out the custody arrangements of my husky. It breaks my heart to even have to move out soon but none the less separate myself from the dog that kept me so happy despite a turbulent relationship. At the end of the day I am 32, soon to be 33 in two weeks and I’m single. I got together with my ex when I was 28 and it ended when I was almost 33. What a ride.
For something that I didn’t think would last more than six months, it proved to be an experience from around the world. Selfies in Mexico. Selfies in front of the Eiffel tower. OMG. Selfies with our beers in London. What fun we had! I have zero regrets over what happened in our relationship Colby. This was an amazing experience to be a part of and you have taught me so much. I am sober now and as I soon enter my eleventh month of sobriety I must be on my game and continue to achieve success.
My depression over the breakup comes and goes. I have random fits of sobbing, and asthma induced laughing of the memories we’ve shared. Thank you, Colby, for teaching me how to do manual labor. I can say that I’ve scrapped popcorn ceilings before! I can say that I’ve ripped the carpet up! Fuck, what fun we had. I’m going to miss enjoy our friendship. I’ve been told I’m better at friendships than relationships anyways. That’s not true. I just haven’t met you yet.
I’m going to be single for a really long time. I’m thinking two years at least. I have so much shit I need to work on. Pay of mounds of debt, student loans, everything. I need to fix me before I allow myself to open up again to someone else.
Life is good. I have no complaints. Depression doesn’t live here anymore.

PS.  I’ve been back at the gym working hard on my fitness and my Weight Watcher goals.  I’m down almost ten pounds and I’m definitely feeling a LOT better.  I certainly feel a lot sexier.    Amazing!  Single looks good on this mug.

IMG_0093

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