Mind the gap

I awake at 5am for my day job and I’m usually on the train to downtown Seattle by 6am. Or at least I aspire to. 🙂 actually fuck off depression, I do well at this. It’s so funny how depression will sneak up on you at a wolf space and steal your positive affirmation moment.

I win. You lose WOLF.

I remember one morning last week where I was on my way out the door and as I was putting on my backpack I saw a segment on Today talking about mindfulness. I’ve never heard about “mindfulness” before so I jotted it down and told myself I’d google it later. Yoga for the brain? What is this? Naturally it peaked my interests immediately because I heard the key words during the segment: relief from depression, remove anxiety, reduce inflammation, keep talking you have my full attention now.

Mindfulness so they say. I actually have headspace which if you watched the TED talk that person is the cofounder or Headspace which is a meditation app for iOS and android devices. I think I only know about headspace from a $75 impulsive year subscription that I couldn’t afford..yet somehow convinced myself I needed it and like other impulsive purchases I’ve hardly used it. If maybe once. What a shame.

Again with these stupid obtrusive thoughts. It’s not a shame Wolf! It’s me taking a moment to reflect and feel emotion. That article I received a few days ago from my good friend really resonated. I have an entire pack of wolves in my head that really want to take over but up until recently I’ve been rejecting them at every opportunity.

Today I saw the movie “Molly’s game”

and I’m a big Jessica Chastin fan so if you really want to watch a mindfuck of a great movie I highly recommend it. Her dad was a therapist too! The similarities of our childhoods was striking. The words that were used, the phrases used, the arrogant behaviors all existed and that really impacted me.

As I live through my blogging life there have been a swell of emotions that come back from the archives. Not only is it an enlightening experience to achieve it’s also a completely validating and positive affirmation that I do for myself. My therapist is beyond the moon estatic that I’m blogging, 8 months sober, and working on implementing CBT into my life and putting it into creative form on WordPress.

In all reality I haven’t felt this good in ages. The depression is low, my moods are stable and my impulsive thoughts and actions are at an all time low. I think I’m ready to tackle the gym next week. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I really know that running does amazing this for the soul.. I should know.. I’ve ran one full marathon which is 26.2 miles and I’ve competed in 14 half marathons which is 13.1 miles. I’m not really interested in running again..it really hurts! And at 6’4″ it’s really painful. Maybe I’ll stick to cardio.. I’m such a cardio queen. Ugh. No muscle in my body whatsoever. As a runner in my years past lifting was stupid because muscle would burn first during running… so I just focused on something I couldn’t fail at. I don’t know now. Maybe if lifted I would look better naked. Hmm..

I feel like I’m a muscle stud with a 6 pack in my head with racing thoughts and voices but on the outside I’m a sloth that spills popcorn all over him self at the movies.

I need to find my motivation.

9 thoughts on “Mind the gap

  1. Keep going, doll! The sobriety is a great step. Headspace is excellent once you get in the habit of using it. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Amber! That’s certainly my hope. It’s convenient for headspace to automatically link you a apt everyday in my diary. Awesome

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing well. Keep doing what you’re doing! $75 for Headspace??? Check out Insight Timer. It’s free and has over 7,000 guided meditations from mindfulness to anxiety to self-love. It’s available for Android and iOS. 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Barb for the suggestions! I’ll check it out. Have you seen Stigma on iOS? It’s brilliant. I haven’t been able to spend a lot of time there because I’m really focused here but I’ve met some great pen pals and they really inspire me to write and do this blog.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, I haven’t—I’ll be sure to check it out. Thanks for the tip! 🌻

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re hilarious. Popcorn 🍿 is yummy. Anyway, I find that just patting Ted in the morning grounds me in a mindful way. Being in the moment and being mindful blocks out my depression 💜🐾🐶

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s my goal this week. It’s on my calendar for sone mindfulness session via Headspace at 8am everyday. I can spare 10 minutes a Day for my mental clarity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Great plan. Let me know how it works 💜

        Like

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