As a gay male I constantly have this fear of rejection from society for being anything but rich, sexy, entrepreneur, you name it.. I wasn’t it and for that I have built a life of feeling like absolute shit and having an eternal fight in my head about how much people disliked me, hated me for being gay, or just down right wanted to beat me up because I was so much of a loser. Was any of this real though?? In hindsight.. Yes of course. I could have done a lot of stuff differently and perhaps changed the outcome of life. Really though.. At 32 I look back at my life and I just see a life of false hope and promises. I have struggled to the moon and back with my self acceptance and how much I wanted to be liked. I just wanted a friend. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted so bad to feel like I was part of the crowd.
Instead I spent the next 15 years post high school in this self perpetuating hell that has no return. I did really good in my career however my self esteem was gone. It didn’t exist and it wasn’t until I was into my thirties that I realized how trashed my image in my head was. The image of that I project onto the world is anything but real. When the episode hits the glaze falls over my eyes and I’m walking blind. I can’t see where I’m going and I’m constantly living in fear that I’m going to do something wrong and that the world will hate me and punish me for it.
I called my psychiatrist yesterday. I see them in January. I need a complete overhaul of medication. I thought I prepped myself so well, nope. Just lied to myself that I had everything under control.
I know I can do better. I know tomorrow can be better. I need to hunt down this demon and banish him straight back to the swamp.
Spread cheer this holiday season. I need some.