For much of my life I was quite an alcoholic. Struggling with depression it was so easy to want to drink because often times I was so miserably trapped in my head that I couldn’t see a way out of my head unless I drank. A lot. It wasn’t healthy in the slightest and I didn’t really care that it was the WORST thing I could do for my depression. On my Zoloft prescription it even states: Do not drink alcohol while taking this medication! But did I listen? Fuck no, let’s drink. <– This is the thought pattern of depression. Fuck it. I wanna get DRANK. <–This is what a typical alcoholic would say right?
5 months ago while sitting at brunch with my partner I randomly decided that that would be my final mimosa because I was ready to change my behaviors because I knew winter was going to be here soon and I needed to get my shit together if I didn’t want to be a depressed mess. Drinking for me was a social thing. Of course I want to be social, and you know I’m out there to be liked by everyone so if I’m not drinking.. What am I?? LOSER! <–Cue the Automatic thoughts.. Is this legit? Yes – it is! If all my friends are drinking, I have to do it too. Wait.. That’s peer pressure! I thought I left that in high school.. But did I?
Nope! Not in the slightest. It’s just not called peer pressure anymore.. What do you call it? Being social? Not being the loser? All I want to do is fit in and be liked so I’m going to do it and deal with the consequences later. I’m not an alcoholic.. I can quit at anytime. Really Taylor? Cut this shit out.. Thats not how this works.
After months of discussion with Dr Buckley regarding my substance use I finally took the plunge five months ago and gave up the sauce. Have I felt totally better? No. Am I cured from depression? I WISH! The simple answer is no. Alcohol is not the reason for depression. The reason for my depression is unknown but I do know that I struggled with abusing this substance and I couldn’t keep harming myself. I’ve spent way too much money on trying to get my life straight and the buzz just ain’t worth it anymore.
I don’t care about fitting in. I don’t care that people may categorize me as a loser for not being “fun.” If I can protect my brain and emotions, manage my weight better, and sprint from the onslaught of depression and be a better person because of it?
Friends, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. It’s so easy for us to dismiss the good we do in our lives because we want to bad to be liked by others. It is human nature to want to be liked. We are constantly berated with images of flawless perfection and all we want is to be is instantly famous and have a million dollars and thousands of Instagram followers. We want fame. We want to be known for our work. We want to be liked.
At the end of the day.. I’m Taylor and I’m a recovering alcoholic.I’m not famous, I’m not a millionaire, and I don’t have a thousand some followers. I don’t care about that. I care about my life, my happiness, and being with good people. I have no idea when my life is going to end but what I do know is that now is the time. This is my opportunity to shine and I’m five months sober and I’m full of light.