Self hate and the quest to shine.

I’m feeling really depressed as of lately.  I need something to bring me up.  I need something shiny to give me renewed self worth so that I can feel valued in society.  I need it because I need to feel valued, I need to feel wanted.  I need to feel validated.  Without you I’m nothing.

Self Worth = Self Identity.  I am what I own.  No matter what..

The logic was there for me.. If I have the latest iPhone, the coolest case, and the latest iPad I’d be so popular, and so many people would like me.  Really Taylor?  Do you really feel like you can’t be liked if you don’t have the latest and greatest?  Yes.  Sadly Yes.

I’ve told my friends and family about these issues that I struggle with and for the majority nobody can understand this and nobody can really understand what it is that I deal with.  I chose to blog so that I can share my world and understanding with the online community in an attempt to brighten my world view and reach out to others that may share in their own distorted reality.  I want so bad to be liked.  I’ll do whatever I can to be liked.  Even if it kills me.  I just wanted to be liked.

Trigger the automatic thoughts..  You are worthless.  You are the worst person out there.  You shouldn’t be alive.  You suck Taylor.  Failure.

These are the thoughts that ripped through my mind when I was child.  These are the thoughts that manifested into my life and became a belief as I became an adult.  I deal with these thoughts during a depressive episode.  I deal with these thoughts when I’m absolutely happy and content.  Depression can derail me at any give point and when it hits it can hit hard and last for days.. weeks.. months.

I look thought my iPhone for motivational posters and I see so many selfies of me smiling, friends and I together, and I see my loving partner.  I’m looking through all these pictures starting to feel sorry for myself because I’m so depressed that nobody will like me and then I find a picture I saved six months ago that really struck a chord.

If you change the way you think. You’ll change the way you feel.

How could i have applied cognitive behavior therapy so my childhood thought patterns?

How could I halt the automatic thought disaster in its tracks?

STOP.. Close your eyes.. Count back from 10 and just shut up.  Shut everything off and close your eyes INCLUDING your mind.

“This is non sense Taylor.  You are an amazing individual”

“Taylor, what you own is not what makes you likable.  You are likable for who you are as a person and people like you because of WHO YOU ARE INSIDE.. Not what you possess on the outside.

If I change the way I think.  I’ll change the way I feel.

It’s not easy.. It’s not meant to be easy and it doesn’t always work.  The point is that if you at least practice at making this work for you then it can work for you.  You have to believe in yourself and believe in your heart that you are worth it and that you can do it.

I’m not perfect at this.  But I’m going to try.  Even if I don’t get it right the first time, or tenth I know that I’m going to try until the day I die because I don’t want to feel like this forever.  I want to be loved for WHO i AM inside.

 

 

 

 

7 Comments

  1. Barb

    I struggle with self-love, also. I’ve been using a free meditation app (Insight Timer) that has guided meditations for self-love. But you’re right — it takes practice. One listen to the meditation won’t convince you, but there is something about repetition that helps. Try to remember (and I’m saying this to myself, as well): you are not your thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Upon Being Healthy

    I understand what you’re saying. Maybe not the value of things but in the need to be accepted and liked. This weekend I found myself considering giving up things I believe because I know that that would make other people feel better about themselves. I had to ask myself if I would feel better giving up things I believe. It wouldn’t. It would make me feel really awful.

    It’s that drive to be accepted, in my case right now, by my parents, that had me stumbling for a bit. But now I’m just angry at their closed minds and prejudices. Maybe I’ll find a good middle ground otherwise Thanksgiving holiday is going to suck.

    Liked by 1 person

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