Raindrops & Rapid Cycling

48 hours of rain in Seattle and no end in sight.  I’ve lived here for five years and every winter seems to get darker and darker.  Tonight at 2AM we turn our clocks back as well fall asleep only to have an extra hour of nocturnal bliss before the sun awakens us.

Growing up in Arizona we never had to do the daylight savings bit.  Yeah, strange.. Only Hawaii and Arizona are the only two states that do not participate in the program.  I’ve read numerous arguments on why DST should be terminated but that conversation always comes up every year.  It’s like clockwork.  Like clockwork is this depression episode that I can’t seem to shake.

Rapid Cycling is defined as: “Rapid cycling is a pattern of frequent, distinct episodes in bipolar disorder. In rapid cycling, a person with the disorder experiences four or more episodes of mania or depression in one year. It can occur at any point in the course of bipolar disorder, and can come and go over many years depending on how well the illness is treated; it is not necessarily a “permanent” or indefinite pattern of episodes.” -WebMD.  Except for me.. it feels indefinite almost always.

I’ve lived in this reality my entire life where you must fight to survive.  The amount of racing thoughts have returned.  I realized late this afternoon that I didn’t take my Adderall today and boy could I tell a HUGE difference in how I felt, ate, and just felt about my confidence.  I’ve made positive strides lately with making sure that I’m taking my medication everyday and I am doing a lot better at it.  I’m especially sleeping better at night now..  I wonder what’s causing that because my mind just resumes 1,000,000 thoughts a second when I don’t take my medication.  My doctor told me I can take the Zoloft at bedtime and the other meds in the AM.  So far I haven’t been a walking zombie like I was when I was taking Zoloft in the mornings.

I really hate this.  I hate that I’m depressed and that I continue to be depressed no matter what I try.  I constantly go up/down/up/down and somedays there is no end in sight.

Is this depression talking?  Absolutely.  Will I overcome it?  Yes.  How soon?  ….. <insert eternity here>

O’ father who art in heaven…  I ask for your guidance as I battle this mental illness.  Please lord bless me to make good choices.  Lord bless me to lead a good life.  Lord bless me to continue to be strong in my sobriety.

I am thankful to share my journey with all of you.  I love how you inspire me to do my best everyday.

P.S.  Meet Denali.  He’s my 14 month old husky who is my pride and joy.  He loves a good selfie.

 

2 Comments

  1. yesim40orolder

    I’m sorry to read this. If it helps I know how you feel. I feel like my depression has gotten worse over the last couple of years. It feels more like down/down/down/ yay some up!/and back down again. I live for the relief of any up I can get. I guess that is the most important thing. – Wendi of “Upon Being Healthy”

    Like

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