Can I have another slice Mom?

 

I love food.  Okay I’ll say it again… I LOVE sugar!  Do I remind you of anyone?  I’ve been a loyal follower of the Weight Watchers diet for quite sometime and I’ve never been perfect at it.  You see.. I’m a stress eater.. When I get stress or my anxiety starts to creep in I immediately ask for two things.. A bag of pretzels and a 20 oz diet coke.  It’s the perfect combination of salty and sweet.  Is this healthy?  No of course not.. But it’s food and this isint about whether it tastes good or not.. This is about what stress does to my body and how I choose to deal with it.

Prior to meeting Colby in 2013 I was a recovered sugar addict.  I was on top of the world with my fitness goals and I had run at least 15 half marathons and 1 full marathon before meeting him.  This was also before I moved to Seattle.  I remember running miles in 100+ degree heat.  There was just something freeing about running..  Can I just run away from life?  I thought that if I got really good at running I could keep running and run run run away from all my problems in life.  My depression hadn’t hit the worst yet (I wasn’t even being medically treated for depression until 2013) so I thought I was completely in control of myself because I was working myself out to death.  Literally the amount of training I was doing was putting so much stress on my body.  I already have two pins in my left femur from overtraining.  I was being a fucking idiot at the time in 2010 and not paying attention to pain signals..  I ended up snapping my femoral neck in my leg leg and was on crutches for 12 weeks.  It was horrible.  But I kept running, and until I moved to Seattle in 2012 I thought I’d run forever.

When I moved to Seattle I met this boy and we had a good time together.  Him and  I weren’t compatible with each other in the long run but we had a good time together.  We weren’t sexually compatible with each other.. We were just in the friend zone, and ultimately that is what doomed our relationship.  I like to remain friends with my ex’s.  It’s can be difficult but thats why I like to set boundaries that we both agree to… Oh well – friends come and go from my life.  It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and I’ve learned that it’s totally OK not to have everyone HAVE to like me.

I repeat….It’s OK not to have everyone like you..

WTF.

But if I don’t have the greatest technology then nobody will like me.  I’m a loser without it!

This is my belief.  I believe that if I don’t have the absolute best life whether it’s the latest iPhone, or iPad, or whatever I feel like a loser because I feel that nobody would want to be my friend if I didn’t have the best to show off with.  Is my self worth really that low?  Yes.  It is.  It’s been a struggle since I accepted that I was bipolar and manic depressive.  I’ve really worked on learning how to identify with my struggles of depression, and how they’re connected to food and my emotions.

When I feel like shit, I eat like shit and feel bad about it the next day.  I’m suppose to be tracking my points on Weight Watchers, and staying with my goals..  I’m paying $50 a month for it.. I better be doing it. When you feel like shit, you eat and drink like shit.  It’s a matter of fact.  Nobody was ever feeling really depressed and ate a salad.  What the fun is that?  Comfort food exists for a reason.  I drink diet coke for a reason.  I know it’s horrible for you but it’s better than drinking alcohol.  Thats a fact.  Alcohol ruins people.  It drives people apart, it makes you feel like shit and make stupid decisions.

Tomorrow I’m going to log my points with my best intention and do my best to make healthy decisions.  I’m 8 weeks alcohol free.  I should feel proud of my accomplishment.  But I’m not.  I’m a loser still.

I really am going to get to my goal weight again.   It starts with self love.

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