I’ve struggled with depression for pretty much my entire life… However it wasn’t until I moved to Seattle in 2012 did I realize that… maybe I’m different than everyone else… Why do I always feel like this? I would often ask myself.. Why did you move here Mark? Were you moving to Seattle to find happiness, or was it just to start over? Well it was a little of both.
In 2012, I started seeing a therapist whom I’ve been with for five years now. Dr Miller is absolutely amazing at how he understands me and can offer me real life solutions to problems that I experience. I was really lucky when I discovered him at random while searching for a therapist.. I didn’t know I was bipolar in 2012, I just knew that I hated feeling this way and that I needed to seek some advice for it.
I’ve spent a good part of the last few years working on my self acceptance, and learning to love myself. It is difficult when I have an episode to find any self love because when I am manic I feel as if I just hate myself inside and out and that I am a failure that cannot do any good. Is this realistic? Is this really a fact?
No, it’s not a fact. It’s a falsehood reality that I have created in my mind and I assign so much power to it that I believe its true. When I am having a episode I want to feel better the fastest way possible. I would often find myself drinking excessively in order to make myself feel better when only realizing the next day I felt worse and that ALCOHOL MAKES YOU FEEL DEPRESSED!
So at the end of the day.. I’m a depressed individual. I have a mental illness and I’m going to have it for the rest of my life. Why me? Why did I get chosen for this?
Rather than sulk in self misery I am choosing to write and to share my journey. Life is incredibly difficult however I believe in my heart that if we share our lives with each other we may feel better at the end of the day. At least thats what I’m going for.
Winter is coming and I need to be as prepared as I possibly can.