I ask myself... when did I last take my meds?  Ok last night.  What about before that?  I don't remember.  Why do I feel so different right now?  What's happening around me? It is critical to take my meds every day.  I work too hard in life to have setbacks if I can have in say in it.   I told my psychiatrist whom I had already had scheduled (coincidentally) and he was fucking floored with my progress.  He said I should be so proud of myself.  He's right.   I completely lose myself in my flaws and completely forget about the positive.  Oh hey, depression.. you suck. He told me some great advice today.  "Don't be so rigid Mark." LOL... right.. You know me best.  You're my doctor. I am so hard on myself to be perfect at everything I do.  I am a workhorse and I know that I'm good at what I do.  I just tend to max out my efforts early on and find the hardest time trying to sustain myself long term.  This applies in every aspect of my life.   When it comes to taking my meds every day I will just become so rigid in my life that I will forget to take my meds.  I even have an app to remind me! RELAX MARK!  Remember your why. -You haven't had a sip of alcohol in 16 months. -You've lost 35 pounds in six months and you did it the healthy way! -You just got out of a five-year relationship. CHILLAX dude.  You've got this.              
When I think about all the changes that I've made since October 24th, I'm nothing but absolutely stunned at my success.   What do I mean? Oh gosh, well!  I'm down 35.7 lbs for starters and tonight's post is about how I had some weakness earlier this morning coming off of the weekend fun I had, and I felt a panic this morning, and I felt the need to share it with you because it's impactful to me. I'm very hard on myself.  It's often the bi-polar part of me that shines through when you the excessiveness that gets applied to my life and my goals... Like my fitness moments.. speaking off..28,000 steps again..  I did the same thing on Saturday with a friend from out of town.  It was great.  I love hosting out of town guests and showing them the fun of Seattle. It was a total hurricane here on Saturday, I've never seen or felt so much water in my life.  Despite the rain, my friend and I clocked in 28,000 steps and made a profound statement of self-worth.  AH! YES! I CAN! The problem with depression is that despite having the most significant gains, I still find myself falling short and indulging myself more than I can "afford."   This weekend was a complete trainwreck with my eating patterns because we ate out so much. However, we made the commitment to track every bite.  Being a recovering alcoholic, I don't drink anymore!  So I don't have to worry about drinking my points away or do I? Not drinking, but binging entirely.  I find that when I am with others that do not necessarily follow the same lifestyle as I do, I can liken to their style very quickly and if I'm not careful I can totally wreck out and end up in depression and self-misery.  It was beneficial that my friend follows the lifestyle too, so we were accountability buddies, but still, we indeed didn't behave ourselves in our food aspirations.   Oh well!  It tasted good.  I worked my butt off at the gym today and came very close to throwing up after my cardio session.  It was amazing! For now, the depression is gone.  Tomorrow is another day, and more of those thoughts will flood my mind.  Just because they're there doesn't mean that there correct. My brain is on constant awareness for depression and I've instructed my recruits it's survival mode from here on out.  Do not be intimidated.
If I could collect $1.00 from every person that asked me if I'm doing okay since the breakup I'd be a millionaire... But I still wouldn't be able to afford to live in Seattle..  It's just fucking expensive here.. There is no other way of saying it.  $1200 a month for a shared kitchen, but I have my own space entirely and my private bathroom. Thank you JESUS!  I don't have to share a bathroom anymore!  The things we look forward to at 33. Speaking of 33, I don't feel 33 in the slightest.  I feel like I'm 26 again.  I moved to Seattle when I was 28 from Phoenix and man was it a change.  Moving to Seattle, I was so eager to be in the cold weather, but I severely underestimated how much it really rained in the Northwest and how many gray days we would have each year.  226 days a year of clouds.... seriously..  I've learned that to love the Northwest and live here year after year, you must know how to make your own sunshine. So I ask myself.  What am I doing now at 33 that makes me feel 26 again?  Easy. I put me first every day. Mental, Physical, Body, Spirit. I come first.  No exceptions. I am working hard on everything I touch in life.  I will succeed in this.  I'm all I have, and I need to make this work.   I've graduated to bi-weekly therapy now that Spring has sprung and the sun is out more.  I see it as a huge win. My ex and I are even hanging out together as friends, and it's working out really well for us.  We both knew our relationship was over and we both knew that our happiness mattered more in life.  Five years was a long time for being my first real-life relationship.   You ask 'Are you OK?'  and I remind myself that if you're only asking because you love me.  I love you too.  Always and forever.  We can be great friends.  I'm great at that. :) I've also lost 35.7 pounds since October 24th, 2017.  I follow Weight Watchers online, and I fucking love it.  I finally own my journey, and I love it. Zero depression! 16 months sober too!  WHATTTT!